the McDREAMIES vs. the McVETS

Am I the only one going completely nostalgic about this?

"So take your time...While I made my choice, she was the wrong one."--McDreamy

Who freakin' says this in real life?! Who??? If a man ever said such incendiary statements to me, I'll die. No. I'll kill him with my bare hands. It's totally making Meredith delirious. It's totally making ME delirious. But like the ten million viewers who were prob'ly screaming their pants off, I am a fan. I have always been. More than a year ago, when everyone else was into Lost and Desperate Housewives (or that Mafia thing on HBO), I blogged about this amazing show that has made a lover out of me again. Grey reminded me of Ally Mcbeal, except she wasn't a lawyer, but just as neurotic. I liked the scary and damaged part..the twisted and dark...because...it all went back to...me. Hooray! I am not the only complicated, indecisive, confused, and obsessed weirdo.

But this is not what this blog is about. It's about the McDreamies and the McVets. It's about the one you love or the one who loves you. The one who hurt you or the one who will never hurt you. The one who left you or the one who will never leave you. Heavy...heavy...stuff. (If you put it this way, then the choice shouldn't really be so complex. And yet it is...or else we wouldn't be watching.)

I don't want to label the McDreamies as the perpetual bad boys. I see them as the men we share a frenetic connection with. So demented and unbalanced...yet so emotionally ecstatic. While the McVets...hmmmm...are the once we share a convivial relationship with---safe and settling...comforting. Sigh!

I would advice you to go for the McVets. Those who will move heaven and earth for you. Those who will transcend boundaries for you. Those who will fight for you. "If there is a ring. My head is in it."--McVet

Yet, it is never always that easy.

The sad thing about the McVets is that they will have to go against your "moments". Moments that you will only share with the McDreamies. Moments that you will never forget...And in as much as you try to force yourself to "develop" a moment with Mr. McVet, it will never work. These moments just happen. We cannot conjure "the moment". We cannot pretend to feel "magic".

A friend of mine recently said to me not to close the door on doubtful possibilities. Simply because the "doubt" could be reasoned with. How do you reason with a doubtful heart??? You don't. The heart needs no reason to believe. It just does. In the same way that the heart can't be forced to believe what it can't. Even if you give it a million reasons.

Mr. McVet may be wonderful. But Mr. Wonderful may not always be Mr. Right.

But does that mean Mr. McDreamy is always Mr. Right? Hell not. I remember the last time I saw my McDreamy on a 4th. He was with her. I remembered when he told me about her. How he wanted to make it work---with her. Because they have history...because they have years...because they have what he called a commitment. How can you hate an honest man???

How can't you love an honest man?

So tune in...to the choice television actors make. It may not be our life. But it's a life worth watching.

(will one day find my McDreamy
in the streets of Italy)

to heal a broken heart

Miss you guys...

TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART----
How long does it take? Not quite long, I guess...

Conversation No. 1
Bads: I'm BACK!!!
Gilly: Huh? Ok.
-The End-

Conversation No. 2
Bads: Tears...tears...tears...I want to go back.
Miyuki: Wag ka ngang maarte, ha! Welcome back to the real world!
-The End-

Conversation No. 3
Bads: (quiet)
Gretch: Where's my blouse?! Is it nice? How does it look? Does it fit me? I told her to get a size 38...It will take 2 weeks to go back to your routine. I didn't miss you. Ok lang. Are you going to the party? I'm not sure if I am. I'm still at work Blah..blah...blah...blah...blah...I'll call you back.
Bads: (still quiet)
-The End-

Conversation No. 4
Bads: God, I don't think I can do this. I'm so homesick. And sad.
Anthony: Me too! I have so much to tell you! There's so much drama...Here goes.
(30 mins after)
Anthony: How about you? Why are you sad?
Bads: No, I'm ok. I'm fine.
-The End-

Conversation No. 5
phone rings
Bads: Hey, Abby.
Abby: Bads, it was time to go.
Bads: (teary eyed) I know.
-The End-

How long does it take to get you insane? 5 conversations or less...Forget about your broken heart. The world will move on. With or without you.
-The End-

It only takes one. ONE ACT. Of gentle kindness..sweet persuation..great foolishness..unfaithfulness..or disappearance to change your entire relationship with someone else. And it's not about the "i will make up for it" part or doing more than what is expected. It's about the CHOICE you make on a certain matter...for a certain day. And although there will be another tomorrow, tomorrow is NOT today.

The thing about setting your heart on a matter, is that you never want to make a mistake. Because your heart is involved and your judgment at stake. Never mind if everyone warns you of the risk. It's your judgment...your theory...your CALL to make.

I know potential when I see one. It is a gift I perfected with children. There are kids born for stardom that you immediately adhere to. And there are THOSE you observe with great interest. It is not the great but the POSSIBILITY for greatness that inspires me. When you enter a room filled with people, it is easy to notice those who stand out. For depthless reasons---appearance, stature, or class. I am thankful never to be persuaded by such ubiquities. For at some point in my past, I was always trying to place great weight on appearance. And yet, I was empty.

It is the uneventful realization that you COULD be wrong in your judgment. So you insist to be right and allow things to happen. Despite the warnings, the talk, and the tell-tale signs to DOOMsville land. Before you know it, you are caught in sleeping beauty's spinning wheel of dreams. Until eventually...the needle finds it's way to your skin.

It only takes ONE. One act. Of face to face encounter...to KNOW. That that potential could ONLY have been a one time spark on the beach...the park...a corner downtown. And you look at the person and you remember the time a good friend asked you for caution--because of the rusty past and the playboy history. Back then you smiled and tossed your head up knowing you've always been good at the game. Only to realize that...you were never made to play.

It only takes one. One act of realization. To lose faith...in a man. An unexpected collision of paths to know...that gone is the mystery, the character, the depth. Just a shadow of blurry moments in the past--of wit, humor, and the quiet strength of his presence. Where has it gone? Or, was it never there to begin with???

I'm over it now.

It only takes one act.

One act...to forget.

Numbered Days...

At this time last year, I was told to die by a voice in a not-so fictional dream. I was alone in a room. My body was dead tired to move but my mind was wide awake. I have encountered a number of weirdness in my slumber state. But this, by far, was the most crucial of everything ambiguous. It reminded me of the same moment when angel Gabriel visited Mary to tell her about the good news being picked as the Chosen One for Jesus. Only, I was no Mary. And I was obviously not chosen to bring life. Instead, I was told that mine would be taken away before my 27th year.

I was chosen to die.

If this is true, how could I have been so lucky to be dutifully warned by the angel of death? Mind you, I was all the way in San Francisco, trying to have a grand old time with my vacation. Yet, among all the living beings turning 27 by next year, I above all people, was handfully picked to be cut short of my earthly time.

What in God's world did I do?

Let me think...hmmmm. Nothing morally risque. I try, like most people, to be noble in character. Try. Though I don't doubt there've been plenty of days I've fallen short in nobility. But don't we all? So if this is a test of failing through life with goodness in conscience, am I truly next in line to leave???

It is not actually death that I feared at that moment of my awakening. I have gone through numerous life shattering accidents that has brought me to a much deeper state of consciousness. Yet, amidst all the 911 calls, and the paramedics, and the quick ride to the ER room...I, afterall the bombarding threats, am still breathing. I guess, there's still another bone to break, another cheek to scar, another heart to falter and pump for the wrong reasons.

Another chance to make mistakes.

My dear friends have commented on the "new" Bads that's come home to them recently. Have I really changed that much since I left? Is the change good? Are the remnants of my better past still evident somehow? I have tried to intertwine the lessons of my story hoping to find a "better" me. A better me for somebody. Anybody. It is the pact I made during a troubled me. "Make me whole. Please. Heal me."

No I have not forgotten my deal with the Almigthy. I used to think it was a stupid thing to bargain for---a better life in exchange for quality choices. But, as I look at the sight of the homeless and the needy, I realized I never needed to make such bargain. I already have a better life. Now I am commanded to make greater choices. When people ask me why I'm never impressed with the size of someone's house, I fall silent. For I have been to a place where a family of 8 have to cramp together in a 5 sqr. meter dump. Or when I hear talks about food and how much time people devote to make impressive feasts, I quiver. For I've seen children forced to eat spoiled food just to survive till the next day. And yes, this vacation time of mine, though restful, has brought me some guilty pleasures. For I have succeeded in perfecting Bel Far Niente (The Art of Doing Nothing). If I die, it is the most shameful moment to do so, for I am at my most ignorant state of mind. I know nothing of what's going on in the world. I have not read a single paper or watched any news since I got here.

I am an empty soul.

And I am still not 27.

My curse is still lives.

Circle of Friends

I'm confused. Dazed most of the time. A pivotal decision bugging your mind worth changing the leftover years in your lifetime. How do you decide when to move your queen on the chessboard? When everything else is in such a fixed place? I wish the easiness could be carried through from back when we were younger. Going to school. Enjoying time with friends. Playing it oh so cool.

Ever noticed how things become so different after years of being away? Like the space and the room has gone smaller..the road more narrow..your couch not as comfortable? Yet everything else is still the same. Same people fill your room...your memory...your mind. It's not just the growth of white hair that proves we have aged, but the common duties of our very existence. Proof of it is when my friends start talking about home furnitures and paint or the menu for their beloveds for the night. How could it be that the things that bind us together, are the things that also set us apart? One thing is for sure though. I look at my friends now and there is nothing but great PRIDE I have for them. Oh how they have...changed and yet, still remain the very same people I have cherished all these years. I was fortunate enough to have found my soul sisters back in college. And I know no matter how many "bubu"s I make, i will always have my own team to run to...when i am most definitely eaten with shame.

There is no absolute leader in our group. Just a bunch of girlfriends with similar interest and different passions. Jeh, will always be the apotheosis of primness and properness. I have never heard her loud or vulgar. Like a dear Rapunzel, a damzel though never in distress. But don't be fooled. She may personify absolute simplicity in character, but her coin purse is as expensive as my laptop. Che, will always be the perennial do-gooder. She can work and get along with anybody. She will find no fault in anyone. And she will readily forgive even the most demonic in- law. I love her. She will pick up the pieces with me clad in her sexiest outfit, and her son in tow. Hilarious! Vanny... will always and forever be the quintessencial elegant beauty. I know no one who can carry just jeans and a white tee to perfection. And we were in college back then! Now, nothing's changed. Except that despite having a beautiful daughter, she's still thinner than me. Rolling my eyes now! Abb...abbigail, will always be the sweetest person with the sweetest voice in the planet. She always reminds me to act accordingly even when it comes to people I have no patience with. We are so different, yet I understand her. She's become such a mother to her child. It's amazing to witness. Tina Perez will always be the absolute flaker like me. She will make an arrangement and change it last minute. And despite the aggravation, I cannot fault her. Because she's as time snob as me. I have yet to see her during this 2 month visit. And until I do, i will say nothing of her. Bwahahaha MeL maldita is the most opinionated, unfiltered, truthful, non-judgmental person I know. I try to keep secrets from her. But it never works. She knows. She'll know. It's scary. And most of the things people take pains to tell me? She'll tell me to my face without inhibitions. Yet i listen. And I love her for it.

And with the exception of one, I adore all my friends husbands. (Exception bec there's one who's still unmarried...like me! Just to be clear!=) ) They're patient. That's all that matters. I cannot even begin to describe the havoc we create when we are all together. It's a tsunami in the making magnified to plenty. Yet, it is the hands that bind us together through the storm...The years that keep us in close proximity to each other, even if say, one of us lives somewhere in NYC.

It is the thing that makes me want to stay.
Longer? Forever?
Who knows? I'm still confused.

Yet the clock continues to tick despite my longing.
Mindless of my yearning.
Nonchalant over my questioning.

I'm still waiting for a phonecall.
Will it come?
I shout to the world how substantially meaningful I have become. Yet I am bound to a mindless tragedy of hopeless hope.

A call that will make me rush to the ends of the world.
Just to hear. Just to know.

Yet my queen stays. Where it is. On guard.

Someone please tell me again what they heard from that LAKEHOUSE movie...

"If she's not careful...she might be waiting all her life."

This helps. IF youre like me.

K.I.T.

My dear friend Abby says I must enjoy. Cease the thinking, and just have fun. Knowing my tendency to over analyze or assume things, she's prob'ly right. It's best I sit back and enjoy the ride. People can really drive themselves mad with bizarre ideas that may seem innocuous at the beginning. Until you toil with the very same idea for weeks or months without realizing there is no hint of truth to it. A hallucination in your mind. A movie you produced and directed. And only you get to watch.

Pathetic. I feel like I must be struck with lightning for wanting more things when I already have been blessed with enough. I feel like I always pretend I have a pseudo hard life worth balling my eyes on when infact, there is nothing more I desire. Whatever will be, will be. I have more than enough. Be still.

Over the phone, I couldn't help feeling so happy talking to my dear friend Vanny a few hours after touchdown. God it feels good to be back. I was greeted with the singing band everyone seems to just pass on by at the airport. For a moment I wondered if i should stop and give them a round of applause for always being freakin' there for every traveller setting foot in our country. I mean, imagine if they weren't? Won't we wonder??? We take so many things for granted literally. It's sad. Like people who are always there for us... My driver, M'g Danny has been my driver since highschool. He picked me up at the airport with my folks the other day. And boy, was he just as happy to see me. I remembered how he followed me around in college like a precious bodyguard despite being so stocky and short. All my friends loved him. He served me out of care. I remembered how he pointed out to me once how he didn't like a suitor of mine without me asking him. Like his opinion mattered. But it did. I just CAN'T STAND people who are so bad with help. It's criminal.

Anyway, the weather here is...ok. I'd bargain for a little more "coolness" but I fear God would reprimand me with a storm. So I'll take what is given...with a smile. there are so many things I want to do. I don't know where to start. Be still, my heart. Be still.

I am home far away from home. I wonder what the weather is like in NY? It was raining when I left. They said by the weekend it would be nice. Hmmmmm...walking by Washington Square...frozen margaritas in the afternoon...window shopping in Soho with friends...looking for a good read at Barnes...dressing up and toning it down by the night. Hay naku!

I'm off to have a late lunch with friends...with a meal that will prob'ly cost me 8 bucks for whatever is most expensive on the menu. Catching up on old times...being a godmother to their child...spending some quality afternoon without a deadline.

Not bad...not bad at all.

Bumping into a familliar face I've been dying to see would be cherry on top.

But what are the odds? 10,000 to 1 perhaps.

Movie...it's all just a movie.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOOD CHANGE!

If you have issues re people who will suddenly bash about things online then I suggest you don't read this. The difference between your regular blogger and I who's about to trash known individuals is that you perfectly know who I am. I think it's so totally beneath common decency when other anonymous bloggers mention other individuals online for the whole world to read and attack them. Loser, introduce yourself. There is no purpose of writing hate blogs if you'll cower away like a rat about to die. A friend just forwarded an email to me about this ANONYMOUS blogger who started shitting about other people's business. Unfortunately, this blogger commented about someone I know who's the epitome of pure kindness. Well, with the amount of shit she said about this person, I needed to strike back. And yes, quote me.

Since I don't know who the writer is, it's really hard for me to cuss. And I don't really give a damn if anyone who's about to read this will comment back heatedly. As long as you TELL US WHO YOU ARE. Guts, baby. Guts. You have the guts to stab, then have the guts to show face. Unless youre chicken shit, then , it's understandable. First of all, I understand completely how strangers want to piss on beautiful people. Envy, after all, is one deadly sin. But man, grow up. I've lived it. That scene when half of the people in the room gives you that fake smile but secretly wants you to stumble in your perfect black dress? Very common. Which is why I value my dear friends so passionately. I know who I can trust. However, when someone exceptionally gorgeous who happens to be so generous and willing to help people becomes say captivating to the world, don't pull her down. Let her do her generous bidding. Why suck her with your crablike will? Why make her hate the world?

It's been not even a day since I got here and here I am. Shaking my head like a madwoman. Will this STATUS sphere change in our kingdom? Awhile ago, I was on line trying to buy myself coffee while all of my friends seated themselves at a table about 20 feet away. This person infront of me was looking fr head to toe showing off her pink razor phone and her LV bag to my face. Get real. Honey, the razor is sooo last year. Now, i'm usually good walking away fr this stuff..(hmmm most of the time), but shit I hate cellphones. Ive outgrown the desire to own the latest gadget. And until my phone dies, its the ONLY time ill get myself a new one. We've been there! I went to a university who started TEXT messaging. Back when the banana phone fr the very first matrix was invented! We've fought hand and nail for the most chic and slim. But darn, the entire Manila population has become one big university of show offs. Do not parade those monogram or any letter handbag to my face. That is the tackiest. Get the leather Balenciaga or any plane jane looking no letter L, V, G, C, D pocketbook. Please..please..please. If only we realize that we cannot buy class with money.

My collegue once said to me how having less makes you more humble as I was complaining how broke I was over the weekend. She was right. I guess sometimess, it takes one to become penniless to know humility. How many times have friends fr back home checked out what freakin' car I was driving in the City? Numerous. I bought my first car when i was 22. I am driving a now 4 year old CIVIC. That I PAID FOR..with my OWN MONEY and with my own credit history. And yes, i have folks who will dutifully spot me with anything I desire. Anything. But it's not mine now, is it? And what's not yours must always be returned.

So for you hand me down rolex wearing, self absorbed, never have to pay for anything substantial in your life maderpakers, get lost. Don't try to impress with the quality of what you own, but the quality of who you are. And don't, pls don't, guys who try to come on to a woman with their last name expecting to get some recognition. Geez! Who would want to be associated with anyone in our government?! Embarassing. And no, having 20 bodyguards follow you around does not make you a man. It makes you a wuss! Why??? can;t you fight your own battles?

Maybe i'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I should just try to play it cool. I get that a lot, you know.

But I care. I do.

I shouldn't really. But Alas, i do.

Mistaken Identity

How do you expect someone to know what you want when you can't tell for yourself what your own heart desires? Sometimes it bothers me that even up to this point, I can still manage to surprise myself about certain things. It pisses me. I am always a sure-ball thinker. I don't like to test the waters. I don't like dipping my feet. Either I get all wet or stay dry. That's it. That's all. Nothing more.

Yet, I find myself limbo rocking like everyone else. I find myself toying with impossible ideas...asking myself the "what if" questions that can drive you into pure madness. Sometimes I hate my past. It messes my present and distorts my future. So I can't really afford mistakes. I just can't.

Why is perfection such an impossible demand? Forget about being human. Why can't we take the high road and be a man? Why??? Why do we have to beat around the bush? Play the game? Pretend? Prolong??? Why can't we just cut ties and move on? Why do we have to resort to DRAMA? I hate drama. Yet my life seems to breathe it. Aghhhhhhhh!

All I want to do is pick up that phone and make the call. But I can't.

People think I am so strong.

It is a mistake I don't mind people thinking.