May the Right Force be with you...Always.

The dark side of the force is strong with me. A little too strong. Every year I go through this rebellion stage where nothing else matters...Not even ME. I let go of everything that is substantial in my life and not worry about the consequence of my actions. It is liberating...gratifying...free. But just before you totally surrender to the dark side, one pivotal moment comes...and you realize that you're not ready to go Darth Vader after all.

My moment came just when I was throwing my insides out on the streets causing friends to prob'ly squirm as they witness my very undignified act of carelessness. I was wasted. It was humiliating... When I was done, I was trying my very best not to burst into tears. I may have lost control, but I certainly wasn't ready to lose my grace. Fine, fine...I prob'ly already did. But the thing is, I couldn't really give a damn anymore. As Howie Day's song goes, "even the best fall down sometimes...even the stars refuse to shine..." You see, if I had to give major importance to appearance and stature, then my quest for a meaningful life is hopeless. Everything physical is so trivial. Everything apparent is so...superficial. People can dress perfectly...wear the right clothes, the right make-up, have the best body, but that is so not...lasting. What is essential after all is what is invisible to the eye.

Ok..I am not justifying my errors. God knows there is no way I can get this one right. But I yearn to make it right somehow. I just have to use the force ;) or find the one that will bring balance to the force. Funny, a friend of mine who I saw a few days ago had this apologetic expression on his face and was trying his best to want to explain about prob'ly not calling in months. I tried to supress a grin. I was debating whether I should give him a hard time or let it go pretty easy. He obviously didn't know me well at all. This is my turf. Failed relationships is what i am good at. I don't need closure. I move on quickly. Although I applaud the man who will never leave without facing up to whatever consequence, I don't expect it. Not from most men. There are after all, only, a few good men.

I'm unpacking the last few boxes in the new apartment now. I'm also slowly regaining my composure. My roommate says "welcome back!". Damn, it feels good to be back. No cigarette packs...no wine bottles...no expensive shopping. It's just me and my music...my books...my friends...my family...my God. I struck out. But Im back on base. Ready to hit my homerun.

Really...i swear i can hear Yoda speaking to my ear somehow.

May the Good Force be with you. Always.