Don't ever under estimate the power of kind words. It's priceless. You may be able to milk flattery, but you cannot depend on its sincerity. In some cases, the words spoken are not exactly kind. But they're just what you need to hear. On other days, some people just say things out of the ordinary. Yet even the ordinary circumstance becomes extra special when it catches you off guard and hits you right through the eye.

The thing that makes people interesting to me is the beef of what they have to say. Often times people can rant on and on about issues and politics, finance or job responsibilities, poverty or Iraq, God or relationships, but it doesn't really stain on you. I have met so many well-conversed and extremely informed people about whatever area of expertise they are in, but they all have the same quality. They are too self-involved...They love hearing themselves speak. They love being heard. But...does it move you??? Is it genuine? When a person speaks passionately about something, there is not a drop of vanity in their tone of conversation. Infact, it is the absence of self that makes it more interesting to listen to. Somewhere along the way you may be fortunate enough to encounter people who speak in such manner. Sometimes, they could even be more than just selfless and interesting. They could be downright hilarious and boisterously cheerful. Unfortunately, they dont come in flocks. Sigh...

I am lucky enough to have met such handful of people in my lifetime. They have moved me one way or the other. They have inspired me to total transformation perhaps not even knowing they have. Someone once said to me to "give until it hurts...until it hurts no more"...at another time someone said.."if you choose not to love others, then you choose not to love God".

I know it's just words. But see, WORDS when said at the right moment, at the right context...with the very best intentions, can move you.

Are your friends stuck in the same spot? Move them.

Queen of Disgrace

I AM afterall, the biggest KLUTZ in the world! No, I don't need anyone to remind me. I can tell you, everything embarassing you can ever think of--- has, and if not, will happen to ME. I'm not usually distorted. It's just that, when I am caught off-handed, I really make the worst scene. Believe me!!! Perhaps because my mind is just discombobulated with personal issues, the heat, work, or just plain boredom, I really can get myself into a whole new dimension of obliviousness. That or its just the New Yorker attitude of I don't give a damn or get out of my way!

Today, I elevated my dorkiness to the highest power when I attended the first day of summer class. My prof was in the process of introducing himself to the rest of us and I was able to write his name down. Someone next to me suddenly leaned over and asked, "What's the name?"...I looked up and saw one of the most gorgeous guys I have ever seen up close and responded to him with MY name. Shit! Ofcourse he tried making me feel better by saying it was nice to meet me but he explained he really was interested to know what our teacher's name was...Could I have been more shamed???! I have been in this situation so many times you'd think i would be used to it. But no...every shameful moment just gets more shameful every single time! A week ago, I remembered leaving my car unlocked in the garage as I was getting ready for bed. So I put on my most comfortable orange robe, spongebob fuzzy sleepers, dorkiest eyeglasses and went straight to my car just to lock it. In the elevator on the way back to my pad, two people shouted to hold the elevator. I didn't! i wouldn't be caught dead wearing what I was wearing! Unfortunately, they caught it just in time to share my supposedly personal ride back upstairs! Unbearable! Two cute guys living in my same building and of all the days to get stuck with them, God chose tonight! To make it worse, our ride stopped on one floor and refused to move. So they had to get out and switch elevators while I was soooo content to stay inside the non-working one till they left. It didn't happen. They waited and asked if I was coming and i was forced to share another unbearable ride with them....How unspeakable! My friends, my dear friends who are supposed to make me feel better when I shared them my stories chose to laugh their socks off instead of making me feel better. I know I said i don't care much about appearance. But there is a big difference between not caring about how you look to LOSING your DIGNITY! And I have successfully done just that!!!

Breaking stuff, slipping, having your phone ring in inappropriate places, getting hollered at by teenagers, banging into a post, calling the wrong person, sending text messages precisely to people who are not supposed to get them...etc...I've done it all! If there was a wanted list of dorks in the universe I will be in it. Fine! But before you place your bets as to who's going to fall in the man hole next, all I have to say is this...thank God for people like me! hahaha Man, i may be messed up at times but i sure don't make the world a boring place. Imagine if everyone else was so perfect..so prim..so proper? Imagine if no one ever said the wrong word or do the weirdest of things? Imagine if everone did just what their expected to do without trying to experience new things? If that's how the world is, then I'm sure glad to be different. I may be a klutz, but I do have some good moments. Infact, it's my klutziness that gets me noticed.

Don't be afraid to err. It's what makes us human.

May the Right Force be with you...Always.

The dark side of the force is strong with me. A little too strong. Every year I go through this rebellion stage where nothing else matters...Not even ME. I let go of everything that is substantial in my life and not worry about the consequence of my actions. It is liberating...gratifying...free. But just before you totally surrender to the dark side, one pivotal moment comes...and you realize that you're not ready to go Darth Vader after all.

My moment came just when I was throwing my insides out on the streets causing friends to prob'ly squirm as they witness my very undignified act of carelessness. I was wasted. It was humiliating... When I was done, I was trying my very best not to burst into tears. I may have lost control, but I certainly wasn't ready to lose my grace. Fine, fine...I prob'ly already did. But the thing is, I couldn't really give a damn anymore. As Howie Day's song goes, "even the best fall down sometimes...even the stars refuse to shine..." You see, if I had to give major importance to appearance and stature, then my quest for a meaningful life is hopeless. Everything physical is so trivial. Everything apparent is so...superficial. People can dress perfectly...wear the right clothes, the right make-up, have the best body, but that is so not...lasting. What is essential after all is what is invisible to the eye.

Ok..I am not justifying my errors. God knows there is no way I can get this one right. But I yearn to make it right somehow. I just have to use the force ;) or find the one that will bring balance to the force. Funny, a friend of mine who I saw a few days ago had this apologetic expression on his face and was trying his best to want to explain about prob'ly not calling in months. I tried to supress a grin. I was debating whether I should give him a hard time or let it go pretty easy. He obviously didn't know me well at all. This is my turf. Failed relationships is what i am good at. I don't need closure. I move on quickly. Although I applaud the man who will never leave without facing up to whatever consequence, I don't expect it. Not from most men. There are after all, only, a few good men.

I'm unpacking the last few boxes in the new apartment now. I'm also slowly regaining my composure. My roommate says "welcome back!". Damn, it feels good to be back. No cigarette packs...no wine bottles...no expensive shopping. It's just me and my music...my books...my friends...my family...my God. I struck out. But Im back on base. Ready to hit my homerun.

Really...i swear i can hear Yoda speaking to my ear somehow.

May the Good Force be with you. Always.