K.I.T.

My dear friend Abby says I must enjoy. Cease the thinking, and just have fun. Knowing my tendency to over analyze or assume things, she's prob'ly right. It's best I sit back and enjoy the ride. People can really drive themselves mad with bizarre ideas that may seem innocuous at the beginning. Until you toil with the very same idea for weeks or months without realizing there is no hint of truth to it. A hallucination in your mind. A movie you produced and directed. And only you get to watch.

Pathetic. I feel like I must be struck with lightning for wanting more things when I already have been blessed with enough. I feel like I always pretend I have a pseudo hard life worth balling my eyes on when infact, there is nothing more I desire. Whatever will be, will be. I have more than enough. Be still.

Over the phone, I couldn't help feeling so happy talking to my dear friend Vanny a few hours after touchdown. God it feels good to be back. I was greeted with the singing band everyone seems to just pass on by at the airport. For a moment I wondered if i should stop and give them a round of applause for always being freakin' there for every traveller setting foot in our country. I mean, imagine if they weren't? Won't we wonder??? We take so many things for granted literally. It's sad. Like people who are always there for us... My driver, M'g Danny has been my driver since highschool. He picked me up at the airport with my folks the other day. And boy, was he just as happy to see me. I remembered how he followed me around in college like a precious bodyguard despite being so stocky and short. All my friends loved him. He served me out of care. I remembered how he pointed out to me once how he didn't like a suitor of mine without me asking him. Like his opinion mattered. But it did. I just CAN'T STAND people who are so bad with help. It's criminal.

Anyway, the weather here is...ok. I'd bargain for a little more "coolness" but I fear God would reprimand me with a storm. So I'll take what is given...with a smile. there are so many things I want to do. I don't know where to start. Be still, my heart. Be still.

I am home far away from home. I wonder what the weather is like in NY? It was raining when I left. They said by the weekend it would be nice. Hmmmmm...walking by Washington Square...frozen margaritas in the afternoon...window shopping in Soho with friends...looking for a good read at Barnes...dressing up and toning it down by the night. Hay naku!

I'm off to have a late lunch with friends...with a meal that will prob'ly cost me 8 bucks for whatever is most expensive on the menu. Catching up on old times...being a godmother to their child...spending some quality afternoon without a deadline.

Not bad...not bad at all.

Bumping into a familliar face I've been dying to see would be cherry on top.

But what are the odds? 10,000 to 1 perhaps.

Movie...it's all just a movie.
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MOOD CHANGE!

If you have issues re people who will suddenly bash about things online then I suggest you don't read this. The difference between your regular blogger and I who's about to trash known individuals is that you perfectly know who I am. I think it's so totally beneath common decency when other anonymous bloggers mention other individuals online for the whole world to read and attack them. Loser, introduce yourself. There is no purpose of writing hate blogs if you'll cower away like a rat about to die. A friend just forwarded an email to me about this ANONYMOUS blogger who started shitting about other people's business. Unfortunately, this blogger commented about someone I know who's the epitome of pure kindness. Well, with the amount of shit she said about this person, I needed to strike back. And yes, quote me.

Since I don't know who the writer is, it's really hard for me to cuss. And I don't really give a damn if anyone who's about to read this will comment back heatedly. As long as you TELL US WHO YOU ARE. Guts, baby. Guts. You have the guts to stab, then have the guts to show face. Unless youre chicken shit, then , it's understandable. First of all, I understand completely how strangers want to piss on beautiful people. Envy, after all, is one deadly sin. But man, grow up. I've lived it. That scene when half of the people in the room gives you that fake smile but secretly wants you to stumble in your perfect black dress? Very common. Which is why I value my dear friends so passionately. I know who I can trust. However, when someone exceptionally gorgeous who happens to be so generous and willing to help people becomes say captivating to the world, don't pull her down. Let her do her generous bidding. Why suck her with your crablike will? Why make her hate the world?

It's been not even a day since I got here and here I am. Shaking my head like a madwoman. Will this STATUS sphere change in our kingdom? Awhile ago, I was on line trying to buy myself coffee while all of my friends seated themselves at a table about 20 feet away. This person infront of me was looking fr head to toe showing off her pink razor phone and her LV bag to my face. Get real. Honey, the razor is sooo last year. Now, i'm usually good walking away fr this stuff..(hmmm most of the time), but shit I hate cellphones. Ive outgrown the desire to own the latest gadget. And until my phone dies, its the ONLY time ill get myself a new one. We've been there! I went to a university who started TEXT messaging. Back when the banana phone fr the very first matrix was invented! We've fought hand and nail for the most chic and slim. But darn, the entire Manila population has become one big university of show offs. Do not parade those monogram or any letter handbag to my face. That is the tackiest. Get the leather Balenciaga or any plane jane looking no letter L, V, G, C, D pocketbook. Please..please..please. If only we realize that we cannot buy class with money.

My collegue once said to me how having less makes you more humble as I was complaining how broke I was over the weekend. She was right. I guess sometimess, it takes one to become penniless to know humility. How many times have friends fr back home checked out what freakin' car I was driving in the City? Numerous. I bought my first car when i was 22. I am driving a now 4 year old CIVIC. That I PAID FOR..with my OWN MONEY and with my own credit history. And yes, i have folks who will dutifully spot me with anything I desire. Anything. But it's not mine now, is it? And what's not yours must always be returned.

So for you hand me down rolex wearing, self absorbed, never have to pay for anything substantial in your life maderpakers, get lost. Don't try to impress with the quality of what you own, but the quality of who you are. And don't, pls don't, guys who try to come on to a woman with their last name expecting to get some recognition. Geez! Who would want to be associated with anyone in our government?! Embarassing. And no, having 20 bodyguards follow you around does not make you a man. It makes you a wuss! Why??? can;t you fight your own battles?

Maybe i'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I should just try to play it cool. I get that a lot, you know.

But I care. I do.

I shouldn't really. But Alas, i do.

Mistaken Identity

How do you expect someone to know what you want when you can't tell for yourself what your own heart desires? Sometimes it bothers me that even up to this point, I can still manage to surprise myself about certain things. It pisses me. I am always a sure-ball thinker. I don't like to test the waters. I don't like dipping my feet. Either I get all wet or stay dry. That's it. That's all. Nothing more.

Yet, I find myself limbo rocking like everyone else. I find myself toying with impossible ideas...asking myself the "what if" questions that can drive you into pure madness. Sometimes I hate my past. It messes my present and distorts my future. So I can't really afford mistakes. I just can't.

Why is perfection such an impossible demand? Forget about being human. Why can't we take the high road and be a man? Why??? Why do we have to beat around the bush? Play the game? Pretend? Prolong??? Why can't we just cut ties and move on? Why do we have to resort to DRAMA? I hate drama. Yet my life seems to breathe it. Aghhhhhhhh!

All I want to do is pick up that phone and make the call. But I can't.

People think I am so strong.

It is a mistake I don't mind people thinking.

Countdown to Freedom land

So...I have 14 days left to make precious love with the City that has never abandoned me. 14 too little. My affair started about half a decade ago. I was 22---hopeful, idealistic, innocent, carefree. But like a brand new car that wears out after years of living the same kind of troubling life, you lose your drive....your dreams...your visions...your life. As Daniel Powter says, "Where is the passion when you need it the most?". It's just one bad day from another. Sometimes worse, but never better.

It was this City that saved me and every Pinoy waiting in line for that blue passport or "green" status. It's just absolutely amazing to live here...from season to season, moment to moment, place to place. And what's even more grand about it are the FRIENDS you share it with, the people you spend time with, the strangers you've become friends with. Shout out to my PINOYorkers yahoogroup! hahaha Thanks for always being there! For our laugh trips to heaven down to hell! Just freakishly insane!!!

Anyway, so i'm going back to the islands to revisit my past. Perhaps take care of some unfinished business. Staying there for 2 weeks last time was just an absolute breeze, I didn't really have time to smell the flowers. But I had a blast seeing old friends, shopping, and catching up on every missing hole imaginable. Must I say, Manila has gotten so clean! And the young boys-- so hot! I mean, you can't even tell that these mega packed hunks are just 20! What happened to the boys during MY generation?! Why couldn't they look like THAT?! hahaha kidding, I was never really into buffness. Like wealth, looks does not impress me.

But I will definitely miss NYC. My home. My love. I know Gretch you've been telling me that it's only for less than 3 months, but it's still kinda scary. I mean, I stayed in Frisco for three weeks and I was itching to go back home. And I love that place! Miyuks, it would have been better to go back and sketch a whole new world with you. How will I ever survive without you at my side??? And my dear Abby, I'm sure if we travelled together, I would meet a whole team of your men friends. DO NOT set me up with anyone! Girl, you just don't give up!=) Anths and Sarah, who's going to tell me what to and not to wear when I go out? You guys have been my DEVIL wears Prada. Only Sarah, you are certainly more of my halo than my horns. GILLY!!! Who's going to take care of me now when I'm wasted? Who's going to be my prop when unwanted individuals are lurking around? You better make sure you find a decent girl the entire group approves of OR you will never hear the end of it.

So there it goes, my personal goodbyes to the people who have made my City a much homier place to live in. I'm taking a stall on the snowboarding trips, the cruise, the sleepovers, the dinner, the soccer games, the squash and tennis plans that never came to be, the kayaking, river rafting, the coffee conversations, the wine tasting, the SOHO shopping, broadway, theater, concerts, vintage boutiques, saigon grill, soup dumplings, dessert, and ice cream...The boomerang laughter, the tears, the intense talk down memory lane.

God. If I go on, I would never get to leave.

But it's a whole new ball game. A whole new world... in my once upon a time comfort world. I've been around the world and back. I know somewhere...somehow I missed a spot. The "shaddiest" spot of all.

I need to turn my gray area into an ocean blue. I fled during turbulent times and chickened out. Now, I'm ready to go back.

See, 'been missing the plane a lot. Never finished the packing. Never got there on time.

But I've left all my baggages behind.
I realized I only need ME to board.

On my own terms....at my own pace...on my own moment.
I like that. My own.

the Game that people play

I just had dinner with friends who were sharing with me their love problems. Both of them had something in common. They were left in the dark about their undefined relationships with their special someone. At the end of the night, we had so many theories. Yet I went home with no definite answers...The same thing happened to me over the phone with another friend of mine who was asking me why she hasn't heard from the guy who made plans to take her out. I offered a lot of reasons why it has taken him this long to make arrangements. But in the end, it all boiled down to one question. Is he really interested???

What separates the men from the boys, I used to say, is their approach to this thing called seduction. The very best players always know how to entice...So women, watch closely. It is the subtleness of the lingering hand, the look, the brief but unforgetable conversation. It is the deafening silence between two people with unmistakable chemistry that is incredibly impossible to disregard.

It is the unexplained spark.

Yes I am a believer despite being non-commital. I know about the universe of cosmic attraction. The magnetic pull between two wandering cosmos that collide in full magnitude. The strongest ones, are the unexpected...the unforeseen...the unplanned collision between two planets that suddenly share the same orbit. Until they become somewhat disconnected to their usual flow of rotation and find themselves asking, what the hell just happened?!

So now what? Where do we go from here?

There are always two broken roads to choose from. Either the shake-up was mind boggling enough to become serious or the shake-up was just another bump on the road....another dust on the shoulder that must be wiped off. However this time, it's not just some dusting off from our immaculately clean clothes. It is the cleaning out of a memory.

How do we delete certain scenarios from our mind? How do we forget an amazing conversation? A funny story? A smile? A hand? How do we erase a special moment? Must we busy ourselves with matters of consequence? Must we involve ourselves with someone else? Must we pretend it never happened? How do we let go? How do we move on? How do we...survive?

What sucks about it is, there will always be someone who'll get involved. Someone who'll find themselves deeper in the hole. Until they have no way of getting out.

The good thing about it is, one day someone will hear your screaming. And you will be pulled out of the mud right before it sucks you in completely. And you will be shown a way where someone is actually willing to roll you that red carpet...like no one has ever done before.

In the mean time...not till you get there, put on that heavy armor...

and LET the GAMES begin.