Fear and Forgiveness

It is excruciating to be let down by someone you trust. I often describe it as a moment of great depression. Its like training for a tennis match with your doubles partner for years, only to find out that they will never show up for the game. It's like being a target for murder but they missed the shot, only to wish they didn't as you turn around and see who made the liberty of making the shot.

I value loyalty above all when it comes to friendship. There is no wrong or right when it comes to partners and friends. Even if mistakes are made on their behalf, you will gladly take the wrong side as oppose to the right side, because that's how it is. That's how it should always be. Ofcourse, when the doors are closed and you know fully well that he's in such a deep rut, you gladly show him to the door of righteousness. But never openly. Never humiliatingly. Never self-righteously. It is the unspoken vow between friends-- to stand by them even if all you have are sticks and stones, while the rest...well, let's just say they come with an army fit for presidential defense.

It becomes a gloomier road when you find out that such loyalty escapes your loved-ones or friends. It becomes even more menacing when you find out there was never such to begin win. So you barricade yourself from these people who have crucified you to tears. Never forgetting the stains of your broken past.

Yet, it is the cry of my elders that shakes my brain dead. It is their threat of creating FEAR within me for opposing to mend my bridges. It is burdening you with guilt and the illusion of fire when you lack what they call the humility to forgive. It is trying to unstabilize you with the wrath of your offender, and the fear that they will never bridge the gap unless you apologize.

Wrong. Only God can cause me to fear. Only God can cause me to break...

As for forgiveness, it becomes harder to dispense as the wound still refuses to heal.

But don't misinterpret. It is not an achievement to be able to carry such burden of pain. Especially if the cause is not to save mankind... It is simply a sign of FAILURE despite the readiness to love and kill. It is a reminder of stupidity for ever trusting yourself to believe. To believe that there is a love worth fearing for, is a love worth holding on to.

Is there such earthly love that will cause me to fear? My heart has lost all hope for love. Yet, it longs to find its greatest fear---

the One Great Love that will either put me to rest or get me confirmed...

that LOVE does not always have to be FEARED.