All Tuned Out

It's that time again....overworked and underpaid..underfed and lack of sleep. I know I'm at that painful crucial point--- when I actually FEAR Fridays coming to an end because I know I only have the weekends to do my crap and that MONDAY is ohhh so near. It's highly retarded...when it's supposed to be the weekend that gives you a sigh of relief. But not for me. Once again, not for me.

There was a time last year when I promised myself I would never let a day go by without sitting down and finishing my day to day reflection. That was a few days before finals...I was studying for class, going to school at night, going to work in the morning, and doing my part time job mid-afternoon and the weekends. I had 50 missed calls from my mother, 20 unheard v-messages, unreplied text messages, unmailed xmas cards and thank u cards, unfinished christmas shopping, and endless chores for myself and my siblings. It was an 8am-10pm job with no f--kin time to sleep...no time to eat...no room to breathe. And I was borderline losing the only guy patient enough to let me go on with my very laboring life that I ,ofcourse, eventually lost him. It's funny. But to be in an actual relationship is now very foreign to me. No thanks to the City that makes it acceptable to be busy. Yeah...yeah...yeah. I know i've raised a few brows when I say this. But gimme a freakin' break, people. I can get myself free dinner ANY FRIGGIN TIME. (Though I find it so ummm low class when a woman can't pay for her own meal. It's a power FEEL to be able to pay for your meal. YET, it takes a real gentleman to INSIST to take the tab. Ofcourse, im talking about dates or non-verbal getting to know you dinner. But if you don't like the guy, just please pay for your own, or better yet, DON'T GO.)

My bestfriend who just got back from the PI and I were talking about the extreme changes we've gone through after living the NYC lifestyle for years. Half a decade ago, we were the prima donna FOBS who were used to having people bend down to our liking. We fit the City's shopping and fashion style with our parents luxury gift watches and LV hnadbags. During our initial months, we would go shopping on fifth for Cartier watches without being turned away bec we had the card to swipe. Until the day came when we decided to live in it that we realized we were always running on EMPTY lives. With no jobs or greencards, we had to find one. To find one, we had to settle for minimum salary...which meant, ugly apartments. We had to room with our friends, cut down our spending, limit our night life, and start making ends meet. We lived experiencing being short for everything---subway rides, dinner, movies, and rent. We were used to getting phone calls fr friends who needed cash to get home, pay for takeouts, or even a date! =) We had rooms the size of our closet back home...remembering that even our maid's quarters were even bigger! It was physically draining. Sometimes, even emotionally upsetting. But in the end, soulfully enriching. As I look at friends who were once always on Manila's society pages now content having a meal at Saigon Grill at 10$ per person...I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

Now, our friends back home are in Congress...or the mayor or governor for a town or city. Others are constantly on pages of magazine or running a magazine. While some choose to be on television...or choose not to work at all. Then there are those who simply travel for pleasure...paint...write a book...sing or DJ!=)

Though we are all still the same person, we've led different lives. And that...makes all the difference.

It's unusual. To be in a place where it's not the most travelled. To be singled out bec youre not part of the frame...Today, i gave myself a pat on the shoulder for NOT feeling high and mighty having our news bureau chief take over my story to air all over the Philippines...It was MY story. My piece of work. My intellectual property. It's like writing a song and having someone else sing it. It was disappointing...but I can get over it. I cuss at myself for having to give up school this semester only to give myself more time to do a job that's not improving. Yet I refuse to acknowledge it was a waste of time or lapse in judgment.

But i'm all blown out...ready to burst at any given moment.

a little bit of peace...a stretch on the beach...a glimpse of the night sky would be nice.

But then again who gives a fly? When it is never my heart that matters.