Crossing Over Doubts

They say Santa's paying a visit to those who've been NICE....so I ask myself, have I been NICE? Let alone THIS year? If there was truly a list somewhere, would I be in it??? I suddenly came across this thought as I saw throngs of Santa walking downtown without their reindeers in tow one night. Wow, could it be that even Mr. Claus had a bad year like me??? Alright, so maybe it wasn't that bad, but was it...good? Have I done anything this year that could win me a little bit of praise? If I died today, would there be any action I could list down as great service? Would I... be getting through the pearly white gates?

A little voice inside me insists I TRIED. But my heart keeps asking...WAS IT HARD ENOUGH? Everytime I stay awake before going to bed I ask myself if I had made someone happy or have I made someone miserable? If I have done neither, then it still leans over to the latter. For what purpose is there if you cannot make anyone happy or sad? It only means your presence has not made the slightest bit of difference.

And so this is how it goes...my christmas countdown. A never-ending internal battle of thoughts. Have I been GOOD? have I been BAD? Have I made myself proud this year? Have I made Santa proud this year? If there was a life-o-meter, how would I score? I wish finding out is as easy as playing a board game. Roll the dice and you climb the ladder, role the dice and you slide down the chute. And when time's up, all you have to do is figure out where you are...

Either close to the finish line...or back to the start of it all.