wake me up when it's spring

The thing i dislike about winter is that you lose your color...even if youre naturally tanned to begin with. I swear, my face is peeling from the cold and i'm sooo dry all over. God how i miss the beach! I miss the heat...I miss the sun that burns my back and turns me into a golden shade of brown...(even if everyone back home thinks being white or mestiza is better). I like the fact that Pinoys can wear tangerine or orange without looking like a tomato. I absolutely love being brown. Sigh..I miss the summer. I miss Boracay. I miss Ilocos and the vendors that sell the original empanada on the street. I miss hearing everyone speak ilocano around me thinking i cannot understand a word theyre saying. I miss going to the mall and sweating like hell as you get out of the car and go into the glass doors. I love seeing so many Pinoys dressed to kill in their knee-high boots and skinny jeans even if it's 100 degrees outside! hahaha I miss anything that reminds me of color! I'm sick and tired of the dark. The sky turns into gray a minute after 5 in the afternoon. I suddenly get scared to walk back home by myself. I hate bundling up! My coat is getting heavy and my snow boots make my legs sore. I miss my mom...

What is it about winter that can't seem to make me feel comfortable? Even if I love the first drop of snow that covers the earth in immaculate white? It makes it look peaceful. Innocent. Pure. NYC??? Pure?! Yes. Yet, i'm uneased by the cold. Sometimes, it just gets too darn' cold.

How pitiful it must be for those who get their 1st big break up in the dead of winter. When the ice is six inches deep and youre stuck at home. There is absolutely no way you can go out for a walk. Breathe. Simmer down. Let go...Nope. You are stuck at home forced to internalize your endless days of being alone. The silence is deafening your ears. There is no phone call. No apologies. No hope.

It snowed today. Just as i was carrying my 50 lbs of laundry to the cleaners...i got home very early. While the whole world was prob'ly still stuck at work...it didn't amuse me. The flurries didnt amuse me. I have become so cold.

A friend of mine phone called me feeling giddyish about her upcoming wedding. I had to listen to their sugar coated love story all over again. Can't people tell i am NOT the right person to share stories with when love is involved? I am no longer a believer. Blame Reese Witherspoon!

I have no time to party like teenagers either. Please. Do not ever ask me to smoke out with you. I have no time. No patience. No interest. I never have...I don't have to go out every night to get along with everybody. People, this is not real life. Real life is finding a real job. Staying in it while keeping your friends around you. Real life is going through the subway or taking a cab. Real life is getting a second job because the 1st can just drain you out. Real life is going back to school, having a coffee break, getting into arguments with your folks about saving up because no one else will ever care enough to warn you. Real life is pissing your boss and having nothing to do to fix it. It's not about you running to papa bec he can get your boss fired. Real life is having a friend promoted or marry a rich guy and you notice the total change in personality and confidence. It makes you realize how not having a lot may not bring you more money, but more sense of humility.

My radio turns on by itself and my neighbor's wireless service gets pretty low. That means MY wireless connection comes and goes...My car windows get smashed and my credit cards stolen. Im still looking for a roommate... I have tons of garbage i have to throw out yet im still holding on to some for some sentimental reasons. i've lost all my sense and sensibility, and a considerable amount of weight.

I hate winter.

I have been a BAD, BAD blogger!

Forgive me...

I will not bore you with all the inadequacies of my life, BUT, I have pretty much been spent this past few weeks. I dunno. Maybe it's the change of year, change of season, change of scenery, or just...CHANGE. So much has come to pass in so little time. It's a shame to be idle.

A day matters. Believe me. That first hour that comes by without you doing laundry, or making your bed, or keeping things neat and tidy. It will pile up like a giant beanstalk and all you can do is stare up high and wonder, how the hell did I let it get up there??? It wasn't like i pretended I had nothing to do. Or, did i really just choose to ignore it? All I can say is...if you have to say something now, say it. Do something now, do it. Now...Now...Now.

This week has been a huge eye-opener for me. So much has happened. To cap it all, I shall only say this, I WILL NOT GROW OLD EMPTY. Yes, we dilly dally. Yes, we can dance in the rain. Yes we can wait for the limo ride. But if we're stranded somewhere, sometimes, a CAMEL will have to do. And it's not about settling for a slower ride. It's deciding to just MOVE ON. No matter how slow the pace. Baby steps are miracle steps...after all.

So I shall pick up my dry cleaning, or buy dish washer soap, or hammer my mirror straight to the wall. I will change my sheets, sort out my stuff, fold and hang my clothes.

Baby steps...baby steps.

LEAP!