I think I am ready to explode.

It can't really be "mind over matter" always, can it? My mind is just an entire universe of complicated proportions. I am thinking nonstop of endless impossible probabilities. Should I? Do I? Must I? Can I??? And the challenge is not to answer the question, but to bury it somewhere in your brain until it is totally forgotten. Why not? People ALWAYS forget anyway...in time.

Even things that are written in history are lost in our memory. Important events have totally been removed from our lives. Remember the shooting in Irvine? Remember that girl Natalie Hallowey? Remember EDSA? The real one??? So...why not forget about MY memory? Why not forget my own shortcomings? Why can't I let go?

So I made a mistake. Big deal. I pretty much had a strong case of lapse in judgement. But don't we all on certain days? Don't we say something we want to take back? Do something we musn't do? Act on something we musn't feel??? A few hours ago I was watching this segment on CNN about a couple measuring every calorie they eat at the dinner table. It was down to the last green leaf, last bean, last tomato. All these for a much longer life they say. A life past 100 years old. But they were measuring every raspbery, every tofu to its core..from the size of the healthiest carrot to the length of an avocado.

What difference does it make if I took a bite of nachos today just because I feel like it? Don't we all deserve a cup full of our favorite ice cream once in a while? I mean, I may live up to 101. But is it worth it with just onions and string beans in your stomach?

In other words, yeah. You tell me to sift. To break it down and remove the non-essentials from the essentials. To scrape the icing on the cake, the sauce from the beef, the juice from the freshest coconut fruit.

Just to live.

But what is a work of art without the sweat, the writer without the pot, the player without the woman in his heart?

The answer is WORTH that beat-up truck rusting in the garage our dad bought in 1985.