At this time last year, I was told to die by a voice in a not-so fictional dream. I was alone in a room. My body was dead tired to move but my mind was wide awake. I have encountered a number of weirdness in my slumber state. But this, by far, was the most crucial of everything ambiguous. It reminded me of the same moment when angel Gabriel visited Mary to tell her about the good news being picked as the Chosen One for Jesus. Only, I was no Mary. And I was obviously not chosen to bring life. Instead, I was told that mine would be taken away before my 27th year.
I was chosen to die.
If this is true, how could I have been so lucky to be dutifully warned by the angel of death? Mind you, I was all the way in San Francisco, trying to have a grand old time with my vacation. Yet, among all the living beings turning 27 by next year, I above all people, was handfully picked to be cut short of my earthly time.
What in God's world did I do?
Let me think...hmmmm. Nothing morally risque. I try, like most people, to be noble in character. Try. Though I don't doubt there've been plenty of days I've fallen short in nobility. But don't we all? So if this is a test of failing through life with goodness in conscience, am I truly next in line to leave???
It is not actually death that I feared at that moment of my awakening. I have gone through numerous life shattering accidents that has brought me to a much deeper state of consciousness. Yet, amidst all the 911 calls, and the paramedics, and the quick ride to the ER room...I, afterall the bombarding threats, am still breathing. I guess, there's still another bone to break, another cheek to scar, another heart to falter and pump for the wrong reasons.
Another chance to make mistakes.
My dear friends have commented on the "new" Bads that's come home to them recently. Have I really changed that much since I left? Is the change good? Are the remnants of my better past still evident somehow? I have tried to intertwine the lessons of my story hoping to find a "better" me. A better me for somebody. Anybody. It is the pact I made during a troubled me. "Make me whole. Please. Heal me."
No I have not forgotten my deal with the Almigthy. I used to think it was a stupid thing to bargain for---a better life in exchange for quality choices. But, as I look at the sight of the homeless and the needy, I realized I never needed to make such bargain. I already have a better life. Now I am commanded to make greater choices. When people ask me why I'm never impressed with the size of someone's house, I fall silent. For I have been to a place where a family of 8 have to cramp together in a 5 sqr. meter dump. Or when I hear talks about food and how much time people devote to make impressive feasts, I quiver. For I've seen children forced to eat spoiled food just to survive till the next day. And yes, this vacation time of mine, though restful, has brought me some guilty pleasures. For I have succeeded in perfecting Bel Far Niente (The Art of Doing Nothing). If I die, it is the most shameful moment to do so, for I am at my most ignorant state of mind. I know nothing of what's going on in the world. I have not read a single paper or watched any news since I got here.
I am an empty soul.
And I am still not 27.
My curse is still lives.
Jul 23, 2006
Jul 4, 2006
Circle of Friends
I'm confused. Dazed most of the time. A pivotal decision bugging your mind worth changing the leftover years in your lifetime. How do you decide when to move your queen on the chessboard? When everything else is in such a fixed place? I wish the easiness could be carried through from back when we were younger. Going to school. Enjoying time with friends. Playing it oh so cool.
Ever noticed how things become so different after years of being away? Like the space and the room has gone smaller..the road more narrow..your couch not as comfortable? Yet everything else is still the same. Same people fill your room...your memory...your mind. It's not just the growth of white hair that proves we have aged, but the common duties of our very existence. Proof of it is when my friends start talking about home furnitures and paint or the menu for their beloveds for the night. How could it be that the things that bind us together, are the things that also set us apart? One thing is for sure though. I look at my friends now and there is nothing but great PRIDE I have for them. Oh how they have...changed and yet, still remain the very same people I have cherished all these years. I was fortunate enough to have found my soul sisters back in college. And I know no matter how many "bubu"s I make, i will always have my own team to run to...when i am most definitely eaten with shame.
There is no absolute leader in our group. Just a bunch of girlfriends with similar interest and different passions. Jeh, will always be the apotheosis of primness and properness. I have never heard her loud or vulgar. Like a dear Rapunzel, a damzel though never in distress. But don't be fooled. She may personify absolute simplicity in character, but her coin purse is as expensive as my laptop. Che, will always be the perennial do-gooder. She can work and get along with anybody. She will find no fault in anyone. And she will readily forgive even the most demonic in- law. I love her. She will pick up the pieces with me clad in her sexiest outfit, and her son in tow. Hilarious! Vanny... will always and forever be the quintessencial elegant beauty. I know no one who can carry just jeans and a white tee to perfection. And we were in college back then! Now, nothing's changed. Except that despite having a beautiful daughter, she's still thinner than me. Rolling my eyes now! Abb...abbigail, will always be the sweetest person with the sweetest voice in the planet. She always reminds me to act accordingly even when it comes to people I have no patience with. We are so different, yet I understand her. She's become such a mother to her child. It's amazing to witness. Tina Perez will always be the absolute flaker like me. She will make an arrangement and change it last minute. And despite the aggravation, I cannot fault her. Because she's as time snob as me. I have yet to see her during this 2 month visit. And until I do, i will say nothing of her. Bwahahaha MeL maldita is the most opinionated, unfiltered, truthful, non-judgmental person I know. I try to keep secrets from her. But it never works. She knows. She'll know. It's scary. And most of the things people take pains to tell me? She'll tell me to my face without inhibitions. Yet i listen. And I love her for it.
And with the exception of one, I adore all my friends husbands. (Exception bec there's one who's still unmarried...like me! Just to be clear!=) ) They're patient. That's all that matters. I cannot even begin to describe the havoc we create when we are all together. It's a tsunami in the making magnified to plenty. Yet, it is the hands that bind us together through the storm...The years that keep us in close proximity to each other, even if say, one of us lives somewhere in NYC.
It is the thing that makes me want to stay.
Longer? Forever?
Who knows? I'm still confused.
Yet the clock continues to tick despite my longing.
Mindless of my yearning.
Nonchalant over my questioning.
I'm still waiting for a phonecall.
Will it come?
I shout to the world how substantially meaningful I have become. Yet I am bound to a mindless tragedy of hopeless hope.
A call that will make me rush to the ends of the world.
Just to hear. Just to know.
Yet my queen stays. Where it is. On guard.
Someone please tell me again what they heard from that LAKEHOUSE movie...
"If she's not careful...she might be waiting all her life."
This helps. IF youre like me.
Ever noticed how things become so different after years of being away? Like the space and the room has gone smaller..the road more narrow..your couch not as comfortable? Yet everything else is still the same. Same people fill your room...your memory...your mind. It's not just the growth of white hair that proves we have aged, but the common duties of our very existence. Proof of it is when my friends start talking about home furnitures and paint or the menu for their beloveds for the night. How could it be that the things that bind us together, are the things that also set us apart? One thing is for sure though. I look at my friends now and there is nothing but great PRIDE I have for them. Oh how they have...changed and yet, still remain the very same people I have cherished all these years. I was fortunate enough to have found my soul sisters back in college. And I know no matter how many "bubu"s I make, i will always have my own team to run to...when i am most definitely eaten with shame.
There is no absolute leader in our group. Just a bunch of girlfriends with similar interest and different passions. Jeh, will always be the apotheosis of primness and properness. I have never heard her loud or vulgar. Like a dear Rapunzel, a damzel though never in distress. But don't be fooled. She may personify absolute simplicity in character, but her coin purse is as expensive as my laptop. Che, will always be the perennial do-gooder. She can work and get along with anybody. She will find no fault in anyone. And she will readily forgive even the most demonic in- law. I love her. She will pick up the pieces with me clad in her sexiest outfit, and her son in tow. Hilarious! Vanny... will always and forever be the quintessencial elegant beauty. I know no one who can carry just jeans and a white tee to perfection. And we were in college back then! Now, nothing's changed. Except that despite having a beautiful daughter, she's still thinner than me. Rolling my eyes now! Abb...abbigail, will always be the sweetest person with the sweetest voice in the planet. She always reminds me to act accordingly even when it comes to people I have no patience with. We are so different, yet I understand her. She's become such a mother to her child. It's amazing to witness. Tina Perez will always be the absolute flaker like me. She will make an arrangement and change it last minute. And despite the aggravation, I cannot fault her. Because she's as time snob as me. I have yet to see her during this 2 month visit. And until I do, i will say nothing of her. Bwahahaha MeL maldita is the most opinionated, unfiltered, truthful, non-judgmental person I know. I try to keep secrets from her. But it never works. She knows. She'll know. It's scary. And most of the things people take pains to tell me? She'll tell me to my face without inhibitions. Yet i listen. And I love her for it.
And with the exception of one, I adore all my friends husbands. (Exception bec there's one who's still unmarried...like me! Just to be clear!=) ) They're patient. That's all that matters. I cannot even begin to describe the havoc we create when we are all together. It's a tsunami in the making magnified to plenty. Yet, it is the hands that bind us together through the storm...The years that keep us in close proximity to each other, even if say, one of us lives somewhere in NYC.
It is the thing that makes me want to stay.
Longer? Forever?
Who knows? I'm still confused.
Yet the clock continues to tick despite my longing.
Mindless of my yearning.
Nonchalant over my questioning.
I'm still waiting for a phonecall.
Will it come?
I shout to the world how substantially meaningful I have become. Yet I am bound to a mindless tragedy of hopeless hope.
A call that will make me rush to the ends of the world.
Just to hear. Just to know.
Yet my queen stays. Where it is. On guard.
Someone please tell me again what they heard from that LAKEHOUSE movie...
"If she's not careful...she might be waiting all her life."
This helps. IF youre like me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
