let me say it...

His words are like daggers coming straight from the mouth. Murmured without care or resistance. Like a mirthless laugh that escapes a listener of a comedy show that goes on and on about the parody of George Bush or what have you. Only you are no comedian, nor a one act show. In essence, it doesn't disturb me what everyone says about certain matters. There's always a paradox statement somewhere here or there. No judgments are cast. No judgments are made. Life goes on...MY boat remains afloat.

The thing about stinging statements is that it's not about what was said. Whether it was a matter of dire importance or concern to the receiver of the statement, or a nonsensical, mindless humor that goes straight to your gut. It's about WHO made such sweeping argument or comment. WHO let the dogs out. WHO burst your bubble. If it was some stranger hollering at you to walk quickly while crossing the street, or some acquaintance insulting you for your lack of taste in wine, you wouldn't give a damn. I'll probably throw a sardonic smile while deliberately walking slower than a wounded animal. Who gives a fuss about shit and needles when you have a life more important than this? The train will come. The birds will fly. The show will and must...go on.

It is only the matter of friendship that will make you stop dead in your tracks. The one defining moment that is equivalent to a pause when a motion has always and forever been continuous. It's like time stood still or the world stopped spinning. It's about WHO hollered at you. WHO insulted you. WHO made your feelings a little less than trivial. Then you start to unravel the cobwebs that has stuck with you since your first heartbreak. And you become defensive. Highly neurotic. Deranged...

Why would a long time friend choose to go on a screaming match with you just when you're about to depart on a plane? Why choose this moment to go verbally abusive when you are all ready in so much pain? Why can't you just hug it out, forget, forgive?! Why would a boyfriend choose to laugh at your thoughts of commitment when you are all ready scared to your toes? Why does he have to remind you of how unstable and foolish you were to believe in an idea that doesn't exist? A helpless, mindless hope of all hopes...that someday that uncertainty will cease. That it is possible to love beyond all fears...? And a girl friend who's been so dear to your heart...accuses you of something when you've never uttered a word. Or how she refuses to enlighten you with an accusation, but nevertheless, informs you for the sake of informing. Not because of care, but warning.

SIGH...

To give until it hurts. To love until it fizzles. To understand until it torments...

This is the unspoken vow between lovers and friends.

Till then, we keep our distance.

get Alice out of Wonderland

it's a misdemeanor. to get attached to something as meaningless as email. until you start baring your heart and soul, and in the end, realize you said a tad too much after all. now, u start to hate yourself for letting your feelings get caught by someone a little bit above "stranger" status. because you liked hearing from him...you looked forward to hearing from him..after all.

the thing is, he's in neverland with his own tinkerbell and you just don't want to be Wendy at this point. and even though you're not in London, NYC is still pretty much REAL from another point. Yet, he lets you fly as you write...there is no string attached. No danger zone. No physical contact. No discomfort.

Until the conversation stops. And your inbox is empty of him.

And you know.

it's no longer a misdemeanor, but a crime.

NEVER NEVER LAND stops here.

Yet, as you head out the door, a trail of pixie dust and mermaid's song is still on your mind.

Damn. I'm heading HOME.

wake me up when it's spring

The thing i dislike about winter is that you lose your color...even if youre naturally tanned to begin with. I swear, my face is peeling from the cold and i'm sooo dry all over. God how i miss the beach! I miss the heat...I miss the sun that burns my back and turns me into a golden shade of brown...(even if everyone back home thinks being white or mestiza is better). I like the fact that Pinoys can wear tangerine or orange without looking like a tomato. I absolutely love being brown. Sigh..I miss the summer. I miss Boracay. I miss Ilocos and the vendors that sell the original empanada on the street. I miss hearing everyone speak ilocano around me thinking i cannot understand a word theyre saying. I miss going to the mall and sweating like hell as you get out of the car and go into the glass doors. I love seeing so many Pinoys dressed to kill in their knee-high boots and skinny jeans even if it's 100 degrees outside! hahaha I miss anything that reminds me of color! I'm sick and tired of the dark. The sky turns into gray a minute after 5 in the afternoon. I suddenly get scared to walk back home by myself. I hate bundling up! My coat is getting heavy and my snow boots make my legs sore. I miss my mom...

What is it about winter that can't seem to make me feel comfortable? Even if I love the first drop of snow that covers the earth in immaculate white? It makes it look peaceful. Innocent. Pure. NYC??? Pure?! Yes. Yet, i'm uneased by the cold. Sometimes, it just gets too darn' cold.

How pitiful it must be for those who get their 1st big break up in the dead of winter. When the ice is six inches deep and youre stuck at home. There is absolutely no way you can go out for a walk. Breathe. Simmer down. Let go...Nope. You are stuck at home forced to internalize your endless days of being alone. The silence is deafening your ears. There is no phone call. No apologies. No hope.

It snowed today. Just as i was carrying my 50 lbs of laundry to the cleaners...i got home very early. While the whole world was prob'ly still stuck at work...it didn't amuse me. The flurries didnt amuse me. I have become so cold.

A friend of mine phone called me feeling giddyish about her upcoming wedding. I had to listen to their sugar coated love story all over again. Can't people tell i am NOT the right person to share stories with when love is involved? I am no longer a believer. Blame Reese Witherspoon!

I have no time to party like teenagers either. Please. Do not ever ask me to smoke out with you. I have no time. No patience. No interest. I never have...I don't have to go out every night to get along with everybody. People, this is not real life. Real life is finding a real job. Staying in it while keeping your friends around you. Real life is going through the subway or taking a cab. Real life is getting a second job because the 1st can just drain you out. Real life is going back to school, having a coffee break, getting into arguments with your folks about saving up because no one else will ever care enough to warn you. Real life is pissing your boss and having nothing to do to fix it. It's not about you running to papa bec he can get your boss fired. Real life is having a friend promoted or marry a rich guy and you notice the total change in personality and confidence. It makes you realize how not having a lot may not bring you more money, but more sense of humility.

My radio turns on by itself and my neighbor's wireless service gets pretty low. That means MY wireless connection comes and goes...My car windows get smashed and my credit cards stolen. Im still looking for a roommate... I have tons of garbage i have to throw out yet im still holding on to some for some sentimental reasons. i've lost all my sense and sensibility, and a considerable amount of weight.

I hate winter.

I have been a BAD, BAD blogger!

Forgive me...

I will not bore you with all the inadequacies of my life, BUT, I have pretty much been spent this past few weeks. I dunno. Maybe it's the change of year, change of season, change of scenery, or just...CHANGE. So much has come to pass in so little time. It's a shame to be idle.

A day matters. Believe me. That first hour that comes by without you doing laundry, or making your bed, or keeping things neat and tidy. It will pile up like a giant beanstalk and all you can do is stare up high and wonder, how the hell did I let it get up there??? It wasn't like i pretended I had nothing to do. Or, did i really just choose to ignore it? All I can say is...if you have to say something now, say it. Do something now, do it. Now...Now...Now.

This week has been a huge eye-opener for me. So much has happened. To cap it all, I shall only say this, I WILL NOT GROW OLD EMPTY. Yes, we dilly dally. Yes, we can dance in the rain. Yes we can wait for the limo ride. But if we're stranded somewhere, sometimes, a CAMEL will have to do. And it's not about settling for a slower ride. It's deciding to just MOVE ON. No matter how slow the pace. Baby steps are miracle steps...after all.

So I shall pick up my dry cleaning, or buy dish washer soap, or hammer my mirror straight to the wall. I will change my sheets, sort out my stuff, fold and hang my clothes.

Baby steps...baby steps.

LEAP!

i will be back...

There is no end to the wonders of your heart. Sometimes it can go so far. Sometimes it endures so little...If I can only figure out how mine works, then maybe, the "figuring" becomes less difficult, and the assurance becomes more lasting. It has come to a point where I no longer long for reasoning. I am no longer in search for answers. Certain things are just beyond my comprehension, and no amount of wording or rephrasing, or explaining can get me to the bottom of it. No matter how hard you try- there are those moments when you'll just have to remain afloat, because diving in too deep might just...just might...drown you.

We don't always have to know the reason why. Things will happen. Things shall come to pass. Like...accidental encounters or accidental falling out. People finding jobs, people losing jobs. Families getting bigger, families falling apart. There will be those who will win the lottery, and those never making it home. Those who will top the bar, and those who will fail three times. Those who will find the love of their lives, and those who will always be in search. Those who will be born, and those who will die. Those who can sing, and those who were made never to open their eyes.

Who's who? And why???

Who gets to live and who gets to die? Who gets to dance on stage and who gets to lose a limb? Who gets his heart broken and who gets his pieced up clean? Who gets to die in Iraq and who gets to come home? Whose family will get to celebrate Christmas at home??? Who gets to work in Paris and who gets to make copies all day? Who will be stuck in traffic and who will get to fly away? Who will you pick? The girl you just met or the girl you've known all along? Who will be remembered? Who will be forgotten? Who will be loved???

There are ten thousand reasons. Sometimes there is none.

Things happen. Things are. Things change. And although there are moments when we want so desperately to stand still in time and prolong our joys, we can't. In as much as we can't fast forward our pain and moments of grief.

The beef of the matter is how we cope.

How do we deal....after the hit?

Ask me...

How do you divorce yourself from the state of independence? How do you create need from contentment? While others long for that completion to their halfness, you've managed to find perfect order just by being yourself. And it's not that you feel you've elevated yourself to this level of wisdom, and you think you need to find someone who can match your knowledge of the world. It's about who will manage to throw you off that balance because, hey, you know you've pretty much hammered yourself good in a spot.

When unexpected rain comes your way after years of good weather, you begin to realize there is a need for rain. So you get yourself soaked and enjoy a little bit of the thunder. Until the moment comes when you know it's time to pat yourself dry or else the chill will sip through your skin and into your spine. Getting rained upon can be good. But never allow yourself to be left dead in the cold.

When God hands you a plateful of pancakes, we never stop with the strawberries on top. There is more to everything than just the toppings. We just have to dig in to find out. It is experiencing the wholeness of the pancake that will allow us to speak of its sweetness. We cannot give an input to a matter with just a nibble and a slice.

I don't know if it's a leo thing, a matter of upbringing, or just your personal conviction to almost everything. But I know that I will never stop the yearning... It is the yearning that charges me full to my battery. I cannot deprive myself from the wonders of the world and do the very same thing over and over and over again. Wake me up to a new day everyday. I want to see more of the world from different angles.

It is the thing that you want your children and grandchildren to see when the time comes and it's their turn to set foot outdoors. It is the hope that they will find the right friends to set camp with, to warm themselves with, to share stories with while backpacking to nowhere. It is the thought that they will never settle for a raft by the river because they couldn't wait for the boat nearby. It is knowing that they will always pick the sailor who can make them smile...

Until then, we must value our moments as if it were our last. We cannnot simply be incommensurate while we await for the very last leaf to fall. Do something. Be something. Let us not give our elders much consternation for doing worthless nothings repeatedly. Let us rise above such malarkey.

For in doing so, our mind is finally limpid from doubt or fear, questions or trepidations over the what if's and what not's or what could never be. And we realize that no amount of vitriol can stagger the greatest source of strength on this earth.

YOU...

You just have to believe.