by chelsea piers, manhattan
May 18, 2006
May 13, 2006
the LAD that he was
When you're never in doubt about a theory, you become complacent..smug even...cocky to a certain extent. And you live your life thinking you are never wrong about "this" judgment simply because you THINK you know it for a fact. Well, let me just say, there are certain moments(like now) that I am very glad to be proven wrong about a theory of mine. Actually, the truth of the matter is, it feels great to be proven wrong on a subject matter where you've always wanted to be wrong about. It simply means there is a beleaguering POSSIBILITY to a seemingly hopeless case.
There are certain things in life that we may not necessarily be AGAINST with, but neither are we FOR it. Say, long distance relationships...the death penalty...illegal immigrants...younger men. When it comes to dating, I have always been one of those who's so keen on the age issue. FYI, I don't date younger men. While I know this statement will get me shot and killed by a lot of older women including Demi, I have to say, I have my own reasons for saying this. But jeez, spare me the all-righteous explanation of "maturity and sophistication doesn't come with age". If there is a naked pin-up on that bedroom wall, then he hasn't hit the real thing!
But then again, I could be wrong. Or should I say, I am wrong. For there are those who are barely legal yet can rise above the nonsense. Almost 2 years ago, I met someone in the weirdest situation. I was traveling with my dad to an unknown state...and being forced to go despite all my objections brought me to a new height of bitchiness. We were picked up fr the airport by his doctor friend and his son, who I immediately summed as fresh out of college. He was a few years younger than me, and a lot younger than all of the guys I have ever gone out with. BUT when it comes to class and humility, he could give ALL the older men I have been with a run for their money. He was intelligent, well-informed, and honest. Traits that are almost always lacking. He talked about religion, places he's been to while backpacking with his friends in Europe, books he's read, the music he listens to, the things he was most passionate about. Yes he was a younger man, I told myself. But he was definitely of a different breed.
I thought he was the last of his kind. Thank goodness I am wrong again. Sometime ago, I unexpectedly bumped into another younger man who I became taken too. He caught my interest not so much because of appearance, but because of his demeanor. I could tell he was younger. But I had to give it to him with his presence. He had such a command. The weird thing is, I knew he probably didn't know how much of it he had. Yeah... he most prob'ly have used his charms to woe all the giggly young girls at some points in his life...for he did have the makings of a player. But it was the good nature that was so evident in his character that blew me away. I must say, lucky is the girl who will end up with this lad.
The real deal is...it's really...most probably...not simply...about age. It is the man that they were born to be. It is the man that they are. The man that they have chosen to be. Whether they're 40...or closing in to 23. I just hope and pray that my younger sibling would find such character in a man. Right now i feel like I do not need to worry.
They exist. A few good men.
A few good YOUNGER men...
There are certain things in life that we may not necessarily be AGAINST with, but neither are we FOR it. Say, long distance relationships...the death penalty...illegal immigrants...younger men. When it comes to dating, I have always been one of those who's so keen on the age issue. FYI, I don't date younger men. While I know this statement will get me shot and killed by a lot of older women including Demi, I have to say, I have my own reasons for saying this. But jeez, spare me the all-righteous explanation of "maturity and sophistication doesn't come with age". If there is a naked pin-up on that bedroom wall, then he hasn't hit the real thing!
But then again, I could be wrong. Or should I say, I am wrong. For there are those who are barely legal yet can rise above the nonsense. Almost 2 years ago, I met someone in the weirdest situation. I was traveling with my dad to an unknown state...and being forced to go despite all my objections brought me to a new height of bitchiness. We were picked up fr the airport by his doctor friend and his son, who I immediately summed as fresh out of college. He was a few years younger than me, and a lot younger than all of the guys I have ever gone out with. BUT when it comes to class and humility, he could give ALL the older men I have been with a run for their money. He was intelligent, well-informed, and honest. Traits that are almost always lacking. He talked about religion, places he's been to while backpacking with his friends in Europe, books he's read, the music he listens to, the things he was most passionate about. Yes he was a younger man, I told myself. But he was definitely of a different breed.
I thought he was the last of his kind. Thank goodness I am wrong again. Sometime ago, I unexpectedly bumped into another younger man who I became taken too. He caught my interest not so much because of appearance, but because of his demeanor. I could tell he was younger. But I had to give it to him with his presence. He had such a command. The weird thing is, I knew he probably didn't know how much of it he had. Yeah... he most prob'ly have used his charms to woe all the giggly young girls at some points in his life...for he did have the makings of a player. But it was the good nature that was so evident in his character that blew me away. I must say, lucky is the girl who will end up with this lad.
The real deal is...it's really...most probably...not simply...about age. It is the man that they were born to be. It is the man that they are. The man that they have chosen to be. Whether they're 40...or closing in to 23. I just hope and pray that my younger sibling would find such character in a man. Right now i feel like I do not need to worry.
They exist. A few good men.
A few good YOUNGER men...
May 6, 2006
Ahhhh Manila....Manila....Manila
I have been asked countless of times since my return if I am finally packing my bags and moving back to the land that raised me after half a decade of hiatus. Yes, half a decade. I was 21 when I moved out of my motherland to seek not so much greener or better pastures...but I was out and about to seek the world. Boy, did I SEE the world! And to the generation after me, I urge you to do the same. Do not be so caught up in your own inner circle. There is so much to see...so much to learn...so much to love. And I have to say, 'twas only when I was out of my comfort zone that I realized...I don't always need comfort to survive.
But being back in the most comfortable place in the planet, (and I say "comfortable" not just bec of our compassionate helpers, drivers, manangs, and manongs) I realized how much of it I have missed and how much of it I truly adored. Manila is no New York City. But to some of us who will always be in the shadows of the star-spangled dream, it will always be...HOME.
Bora with my loved ones
But being back in the most comfortable place in the planet, (and I say "comfortable" not just bec of our compassionate helpers, drivers, manangs, and manongs) I realized how much of it I have missed and how much of it I truly adored. Manila is no New York City. But to some of us who will always be in the shadows of the star-spangled dream, it will always be...HOME.
Bora with my loved ones
Apr 30, 2006
Heartless Mind
It is the nature of my heart----to be free. To be exempt from that which binds me to stay. For what purpose is there to LINGER, when the mind still yearns to explore? So ask me to STAY PUT and I will for the semi-right reasons. But if the choice is a step short of utter devotion, then so is my passion. If passion is incomplete, then why must we DWELL???
When I step up to the plate, I must give it a full swing. Never mind if it's a complete miss or totally misdirected. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HIT.
Somehow I know, amidst all the strikes, is a beautiful homerun.
So please, don't ask me to stay. Though my heart feels it is ready, my mind insists to be free. Age will not defy me, neither will my memory. I will not be caught down for the wrong reasons. I will not be TIED for one stupid mistake. I've seen the after-life of temporal bliss. I refuse to be in the running for a life half-filled with regret.
So unchain me...from the wonder of what could have been if I stayed...from the longing of a place that is home...from the dream of a love that is real.
What is real is that I am WHERE I SHOULD BE. A place where my mind is OVER the matter, even if my heart has chosen to leave me.
So am I better off???...with my mind strong and my heart lacking?
To each man...his own.
When I step up to the plate, I must give it a full swing. Never mind if it's a complete miss or totally misdirected. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HIT.
Somehow I know, amidst all the strikes, is a beautiful homerun.
So please, don't ask me to stay. Though my heart feels it is ready, my mind insists to be free. Age will not defy me, neither will my memory. I will not be caught down for the wrong reasons. I will not be TIED for one stupid mistake. I've seen the after-life of temporal bliss. I refuse to be in the running for a life half-filled with regret.
So unchain me...from the wonder of what could have been if I stayed...from the longing of a place that is home...from the dream of a love that is real.
What is real is that I am WHERE I SHOULD BE. A place where my mind is OVER the matter, even if my heart has chosen to leave me.
So am I better off???...with my mind strong and my heart lacking?
To each man...his own.
Feb 22, 2006
When the Growing gets TOUGH
i was reminded of this conversation i had with a friend in Cali weeks ago as I lit my first cigarette of the day...it was when she said, "what do you know at 26?", in response to my "what could you possibly know at 18?" outburst...Ofcourse, i was mildly embarassed. Perhaps, beyond words. Not just for lack of tact, but for my obvious blunder. She was right in most avenue of thought...and my point on the subject matter was at a great disadvantage. I was smoking. Again...at 26. Something I deemed immature and unnecessary...at 18. And if age was truly proof of maturing, then I was obviously lacking in it.
it's just that i have lived by the book all my life. i have done, or atleast TRIED, to do everything right. My college photos are emblematic of my "perfect" past. Never drunk. Never drugged. Always sober. There was never a time you'd catch me in a bad paparazzi moment...I followed the rules. Bended a little. But never broke it.
so now i smoke. occassionally. big deal. I still AM the same person. I still have the same convictions. I still have the same desires, same passion, same fire. I still love being with my little angels, walking in the park, doing community service, talking to my mom, exchanging emails with my dad, shopping for my siblings, having dinner with friends, enjoying good conversations, and exploring about life in all its triviality. I still have the same questions. I still long for the right answers. I still LIVE for the same REASON.
I am still the same person.
I may not be able to stand the color PINK anymore...or blonde hair...or LV's or any letter handbags...or Jackie O sunglasses...shiny materials...xbox or pool...or the spotlight. I absolutely detest fakeness...the absence of loyalty...insecurity...and overconfidence. But I still can't get over pop music, hollywood glam, or world class travel. I still wear my old and tattered sweater, use my 3 year old sneakers, and own the same kind of wristwatch. I'm still the person an ex beau said most girls will always love to hate...but up to now, i still don't give a flying f--k.
For I still have the same loving friends. The same loving family. Loved by the same loving God.
Who am I? someone who happens to have just started smoking again.
There are a few liberties to aging, my friends.
it's just that i have lived by the book all my life. i have done, or atleast TRIED, to do everything right. My college photos are emblematic of my "perfect" past. Never drunk. Never drugged. Always sober. There was never a time you'd catch me in a bad paparazzi moment...I followed the rules. Bended a little. But never broke it.
so now i smoke. occassionally. big deal. I still AM the same person. I still have the same convictions. I still have the same desires, same passion, same fire. I still love being with my little angels, walking in the park, doing community service, talking to my mom, exchanging emails with my dad, shopping for my siblings, having dinner with friends, enjoying good conversations, and exploring about life in all its triviality. I still have the same questions. I still long for the right answers. I still LIVE for the same REASON.
I am still the same person.
I may not be able to stand the color PINK anymore...or blonde hair...or LV's or any letter handbags...or Jackie O sunglasses...shiny materials...xbox or pool...or the spotlight. I absolutely detest fakeness...the absence of loyalty...insecurity...and overconfidence. But I still can't get over pop music, hollywood glam, or world class travel. I still wear my old and tattered sweater, use my 3 year old sneakers, and own the same kind of wristwatch. I'm still the person an ex beau said most girls will always love to hate...but up to now, i still don't give a flying f--k.
For I still have the same loving friends. The same loving family. Loved by the same loving God.
Who am I? someone who happens to have just started smoking again.
There are a few liberties to aging, my friends.
Jan 30, 2006
All Tuned Out
It's that time again....overworked and underpaid..underfed and lack of sleep. I know I'm at that painful crucial point--- when I actually FEAR Fridays coming to an end because I know I only have the weekends to do my crap and that MONDAY is ohhh so near. It's highly retarded...when it's supposed to be the weekend that gives you a sigh of relief. But not for me. Once again, not for me.
There was a time last year when I promised myself I would never let a day go by without sitting down and finishing my day to day reflection. That was a few days before finals...I was studying for class, going to school at night, going to work in the morning, and doing my part time job mid-afternoon and the weekends. I had 50 missed calls from my mother, 20 unheard v-messages, unreplied text messages, unmailed xmas cards and thank u cards, unfinished christmas shopping, and endless chores for myself and my siblings. It was an 8am-10pm job with no f--kin time to sleep...no time to eat...no room to breathe. And I was borderline losing the only guy patient enough to let me go on with my very laboring life that I ,ofcourse, eventually lost him. It's funny. But to be in an actual relationship is now very foreign to me. No thanks to the City that makes it acceptable to be busy. Yeah...yeah...yeah. I know i've raised a few brows when I say this. But gimme a freakin' break, people. I can get myself free dinner ANY FRIGGIN TIME. (Though I find it so ummm low class when a woman can't pay for her own meal. It's a power FEEL to be able to pay for your meal. YET, it takes a real gentleman to INSIST to take the tab. Ofcourse, im talking about dates or non-verbal getting to know you dinner. But if you don't like the guy, just please pay for your own, or better yet, DON'T GO.)
My bestfriend who just got back from the PI and I were talking about the extreme changes we've gone through after living the NYC lifestyle for years. Half a decade ago, we were the prima donna FOBS who were used to having people bend down to our liking. We fit the City's shopping and fashion style with our parents luxury gift watches and LV hnadbags. During our initial months, we would go shopping on fifth for Cartier watches without being turned away bec we had the card to swipe. Until the day came when we decided to live in it that we realized we were always running on EMPTY lives. With no jobs or greencards, we had to find one. To find one, we had to settle for minimum salary...which meant, ugly apartments. We had to room with our friends, cut down our spending, limit our night life, and start making ends meet. We lived experiencing being short for everything---subway rides, dinner, movies, and rent. We were used to getting phone calls fr friends who needed cash to get home, pay for takeouts, or even a date! =) We had rooms the size of our closet back home...remembering that even our maid's quarters were even bigger! It was physically draining. Sometimes, even emotionally upsetting. But in the end, soulfully enriching. As I look at friends who were once always on Manila's society pages now content having a meal at Saigon Grill at 10$ per person...I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
Now, our friends back home are in Congress...or the mayor or governor for a town or city. Others are constantly on pages of magazine or running a magazine. While some choose to be on television...or choose not to work at all. Then there are those who simply travel for pleasure...paint...write a book...sing or DJ!=)
Though we are all still the same person, we've led different lives. And that...makes all the difference.
It's unusual. To be in a place where it's not the most travelled. To be singled out bec youre not part of the frame...Today, i gave myself a pat on the shoulder for NOT feeling high and mighty having our news bureau chief take over my story to air all over the Philippines...It was MY story. My piece of work. My intellectual property. It's like writing a song and having someone else sing it. It was disappointing...but I can get over it. I cuss at myself for having to give up school this semester only to give myself more time to do a job that's not improving. Yet I refuse to acknowledge it was a waste of time or lapse in judgment.
But i'm all blown out...ready to burst at any given moment.
a little bit of peace...a stretch on the beach...a glimpse of the night sky would be nice.
But then again who gives a fly? When it is never my heart that matters.
There was a time last year when I promised myself I would never let a day go by without sitting down and finishing my day to day reflection. That was a few days before finals...I was studying for class, going to school at night, going to work in the morning, and doing my part time job mid-afternoon and the weekends. I had 50 missed calls from my mother, 20 unheard v-messages, unreplied text messages, unmailed xmas cards and thank u cards, unfinished christmas shopping, and endless chores for myself and my siblings. It was an 8am-10pm job with no f--kin time to sleep...no time to eat...no room to breathe. And I was borderline losing the only guy patient enough to let me go on with my very laboring life that I ,ofcourse, eventually lost him. It's funny. But to be in an actual relationship is now very foreign to me. No thanks to the City that makes it acceptable to be busy. Yeah...yeah...yeah. I know i've raised a few brows when I say this. But gimme a freakin' break, people. I can get myself free dinner ANY FRIGGIN TIME. (Though I find it so ummm low class when a woman can't pay for her own meal. It's a power FEEL to be able to pay for your meal. YET, it takes a real gentleman to INSIST to take the tab. Ofcourse, im talking about dates or non-verbal getting to know you dinner. But if you don't like the guy, just please pay for your own, or better yet, DON'T GO.)
My bestfriend who just got back from the PI and I were talking about the extreme changes we've gone through after living the NYC lifestyle for years. Half a decade ago, we were the prima donna FOBS who were used to having people bend down to our liking. We fit the City's shopping and fashion style with our parents luxury gift watches and LV hnadbags. During our initial months, we would go shopping on fifth for Cartier watches without being turned away bec we had the card to swipe. Until the day came when we decided to live in it that we realized we were always running on EMPTY lives. With no jobs or greencards, we had to find one. To find one, we had to settle for minimum salary...which meant, ugly apartments. We had to room with our friends, cut down our spending, limit our night life, and start making ends meet. We lived experiencing being short for everything---subway rides, dinner, movies, and rent. We were used to getting phone calls fr friends who needed cash to get home, pay for takeouts, or even a date! =) We had rooms the size of our closet back home...remembering that even our maid's quarters were even bigger! It was physically draining. Sometimes, even emotionally upsetting. But in the end, soulfully enriching. As I look at friends who were once always on Manila's society pages now content having a meal at Saigon Grill at 10$ per person...I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
Now, our friends back home are in Congress...or the mayor or governor for a town or city. Others are constantly on pages of magazine or running a magazine. While some choose to be on television...or choose not to work at all. Then there are those who simply travel for pleasure...paint...write a book...sing or DJ!=)
Though we are all still the same person, we've led different lives. And that...makes all the difference.
It's unusual. To be in a place where it's not the most travelled. To be singled out bec youre not part of the frame...Today, i gave myself a pat on the shoulder for NOT feeling high and mighty having our news bureau chief take over my story to air all over the Philippines...It was MY story. My piece of work. My intellectual property. It's like writing a song and having someone else sing it. It was disappointing...but I can get over it. I cuss at myself for having to give up school this semester only to give myself more time to do a job that's not improving. Yet I refuse to acknowledge it was a waste of time or lapse in judgment.
But i'm all blown out...ready to burst at any given moment.
a little bit of peace...a stretch on the beach...a glimpse of the night sky would be nice.
But then again who gives a fly? When it is never my heart that matters.
Jan 11, 2006
Fear and Forgiveness
It is excruciating to be let down by someone you trust. I often describe it as a moment of great depression. Its like training for a tennis match with your doubles partner for years, only to find out that they will never show up for the game. It's like being a target for murder but they missed the shot, only to wish they didn't as you turn around and see who made the liberty of making the shot.
I value loyalty above all when it comes to friendship. There is no wrong or right when it comes to partners and friends. Even if mistakes are made on their behalf, you will gladly take the wrong side as oppose to the right side, because that's how it is. That's how it should always be. Ofcourse, when the doors are closed and you know fully well that he's in such a deep rut, you gladly show him to the door of righteousness. But never openly. Never humiliatingly. Never self-righteously. It is the unspoken vow between friends-- to stand by them even if all you have are sticks and stones, while the rest...well, let's just say they come with an army fit for presidential defense.
It becomes a gloomier road when you find out that such loyalty escapes your loved-ones or friends. It becomes even more menacing when you find out there was never such to begin win. So you barricade yourself from these people who have crucified you to tears. Never forgetting the stains of your broken past.
Yet, it is the cry of my elders that shakes my brain dead. It is their threat of creating FEAR within me for opposing to mend my bridges. It is burdening you with guilt and the illusion of fire when you lack what they call the humility to forgive. It is trying to unstabilize you with the wrath of your offender, and the fear that they will never bridge the gap unless you apologize.
Wrong. Only God can cause me to fear. Only God can cause me to break...
As for forgiveness, it becomes harder to dispense as the wound still refuses to heal.
But don't misinterpret. It is not an achievement to be able to carry such burden of pain. Especially if the cause is not to save mankind... It is simply a sign of FAILURE despite the readiness to love and kill. It is a reminder of stupidity for ever trusting yourself to believe. To believe that there is a love worth fearing for, is a love worth holding on to.
Is there such earthly love that will cause me to fear? My heart has lost all hope for love. Yet, it longs to find its greatest fear---
the One Great Love that will either put me to rest or get me confirmed...
that LOVE does not always have to be FEARED.
I value loyalty above all when it comes to friendship. There is no wrong or right when it comes to partners and friends. Even if mistakes are made on their behalf, you will gladly take the wrong side as oppose to the right side, because that's how it is. That's how it should always be. Ofcourse, when the doors are closed and you know fully well that he's in such a deep rut, you gladly show him to the door of righteousness. But never openly. Never humiliatingly. Never self-righteously. It is the unspoken vow between friends-- to stand by them even if all you have are sticks and stones, while the rest...well, let's just say they come with an army fit for presidential defense.
It becomes a gloomier road when you find out that such loyalty escapes your loved-ones or friends. It becomes even more menacing when you find out there was never such to begin win. So you barricade yourself from these people who have crucified you to tears. Never forgetting the stains of your broken past.
Yet, it is the cry of my elders that shakes my brain dead. It is their threat of creating FEAR within me for opposing to mend my bridges. It is burdening you with guilt and the illusion of fire when you lack what they call the humility to forgive. It is trying to unstabilize you with the wrath of your offender, and the fear that they will never bridge the gap unless you apologize.
Wrong. Only God can cause me to fear. Only God can cause me to break...
As for forgiveness, it becomes harder to dispense as the wound still refuses to heal.
But don't misinterpret. It is not an achievement to be able to carry such burden of pain. Especially if the cause is not to save mankind... It is simply a sign of FAILURE despite the readiness to love and kill. It is a reminder of stupidity for ever trusting yourself to believe. To believe that there is a love worth fearing for, is a love worth holding on to.
Is there such earthly love that will cause me to fear? My heart has lost all hope for love. Yet, it longs to find its greatest fear---
the One Great Love that will either put me to rest or get me confirmed...
that LOVE does not always have to be FEARED.
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