let me say it...

His words are like daggers coming straight from the mouth. Murmured without care or resistance. Like a mirthless laugh that escapes a listener of a comedy show that goes on and on about the parody of George Bush or what have you. Only you are no comedian, nor a one act show. In essence, it doesn't disturb me what everyone says about certain matters. There's always a paradox statement somewhere here or there. No judgments are cast. No judgments are made. Life goes on...MY boat remains afloat.

The thing about stinging statements is that it's not about what was said. Whether it was a matter of dire importance or concern to the receiver of the statement, or a nonsensical, mindless humor that goes straight to your gut. It's about WHO made such sweeping argument or comment. WHO let the dogs out. WHO burst your bubble. If it was some stranger hollering at you to walk quickly while crossing the street, or some acquaintance insulting you for your lack of taste in wine, you wouldn't give a damn. I'll probably throw a sardonic smile while deliberately walking slower than a wounded animal. Who gives a fuss about shit and needles when you have a life more important than this? The train will come. The birds will fly. The show will and must...go on.

It is only the matter of friendship that will make you stop dead in your tracks. The one defining moment that is equivalent to a pause when a motion has always and forever been continuous. It's like time stood still or the world stopped spinning. It's about WHO hollered at you. WHO insulted you. WHO made your feelings a little less than trivial. Then you start to unravel the cobwebs that has stuck with you since your first heartbreak. And you become defensive. Highly neurotic. Deranged...

Why would a long time friend choose to go on a screaming match with you just when you're about to depart on a plane? Why choose this moment to go verbally abusive when you are all ready in so much pain? Why can't you just hug it out, forget, forgive?! Why would a boyfriend choose to laugh at your thoughts of commitment when you are all ready scared to your toes? Why does he have to remind you of how unstable and foolish you were to believe in an idea that doesn't exist? A helpless, mindless hope of all hopes...that someday that uncertainty will cease. That it is possible to love beyond all fears...? And a girl friend who's been so dear to your heart...accuses you of something when you've never uttered a word. Or how she refuses to enlighten you with an accusation, but nevertheless, informs you for the sake of informing. Not because of care, but warning.

SIGH...

To give until it hurts. To love until it fizzles. To understand until it torments...

This is the unspoken vow between lovers and friends.

Till then, we keep our distance.