All Tuned Out

It's that time again....overworked and underpaid..underfed and lack of sleep. I know I'm at that painful crucial point--- when I actually FEAR Fridays coming to an end because I know I only have the weekends to do my crap and that MONDAY is ohhh so near. It's highly retarded...when it's supposed to be the weekend that gives you a sigh of relief. But not for me. Once again, not for me.

There was a time last year when I promised myself I would never let a day go by without sitting down and finishing my day to day reflection. That was a few days before finals...I was studying for class, going to school at night, going to work in the morning, and doing my part time job mid-afternoon and the weekends. I had 50 missed calls from my mother, 20 unheard v-messages, unreplied text messages, unmailed xmas cards and thank u cards, unfinished christmas shopping, and endless chores for myself and my siblings. It was an 8am-10pm job with no f--kin time to sleep...no time to eat...no room to breathe. And I was borderline losing the only guy patient enough to let me go on with my very laboring life that I ,ofcourse, eventually lost him. It's funny. But to be in an actual relationship is now very foreign to me. No thanks to the City that makes it acceptable to be busy. Yeah...yeah...yeah. I know i've raised a few brows when I say this. But gimme a freakin' break, people. I can get myself free dinner ANY FRIGGIN TIME. (Though I find it so ummm low class when a woman can't pay for her own meal. It's a power FEEL to be able to pay for your meal. YET, it takes a real gentleman to INSIST to take the tab. Ofcourse, im talking about dates or non-verbal getting to know you dinner. But if you don't like the guy, just please pay for your own, or better yet, DON'T GO.)

My bestfriend who just got back from the PI and I were talking about the extreme changes we've gone through after living the NYC lifestyle for years. Half a decade ago, we were the prima donna FOBS who were used to having people bend down to our liking. We fit the City's shopping and fashion style with our parents luxury gift watches and LV hnadbags. During our initial months, we would go shopping on fifth for Cartier watches without being turned away bec we had the card to swipe. Until the day came when we decided to live in it that we realized we were always running on EMPTY lives. With no jobs or greencards, we had to find one. To find one, we had to settle for minimum salary...which meant, ugly apartments. We had to room with our friends, cut down our spending, limit our night life, and start making ends meet. We lived experiencing being short for everything---subway rides, dinner, movies, and rent. We were used to getting phone calls fr friends who needed cash to get home, pay for takeouts, or even a date! =) We had rooms the size of our closet back home...remembering that even our maid's quarters were even bigger! It was physically draining. Sometimes, even emotionally upsetting. But in the end, soulfully enriching. As I look at friends who were once always on Manila's society pages now content having a meal at Saigon Grill at 10$ per person...I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

Now, our friends back home are in Congress...or the mayor or governor for a town or city. Others are constantly on pages of magazine or running a magazine. While some choose to be on television...or choose not to work at all. Then there are those who simply travel for pleasure...paint...write a book...sing or DJ!=)

Though we are all still the same person, we've led different lives. And that...makes all the difference.

It's unusual. To be in a place where it's not the most travelled. To be singled out bec youre not part of the frame...Today, i gave myself a pat on the shoulder for NOT feeling high and mighty having our news bureau chief take over my story to air all over the Philippines...It was MY story. My piece of work. My intellectual property. It's like writing a song and having someone else sing it. It was disappointing...but I can get over it. I cuss at myself for having to give up school this semester only to give myself more time to do a job that's not improving. Yet I refuse to acknowledge it was a waste of time or lapse in judgment.

But i'm all blown out...ready to burst at any given moment.

a little bit of peace...a stretch on the beach...a glimpse of the night sky would be nice.

But then again who gives a fly? When it is never my heart that matters.

Fear and Forgiveness

It is excruciating to be let down by someone you trust. I often describe it as a moment of great depression. Its like training for a tennis match with your doubles partner for years, only to find out that they will never show up for the game. It's like being a target for murder but they missed the shot, only to wish they didn't as you turn around and see who made the liberty of making the shot.

I value loyalty above all when it comes to friendship. There is no wrong or right when it comes to partners and friends. Even if mistakes are made on their behalf, you will gladly take the wrong side as oppose to the right side, because that's how it is. That's how it should always be. Ofcourse, when the doors are closed and you know fully well that he's in such a deep rut, you gladly show him to the door of righteousness. But never openly. Never humiliatingly. Never self-righteously. It is the unspoken vow between friends-- to stand by them even if all you have are sticks and stones, while the rest...well, let's just say they come with an army fit for presidential defense.

It becomes a gloomier road when you find out that such loyalty escapes your loved-ones or friends. It becomes even more menacing when you find out there was never such to begin win. So you barricade yourself from these people who have crucified you to tears. Never forgetting the stains of your broken past.

Yet, it is the cry of my elders that shakes my brain dead. It is their threat of creating FEAR within me for opposing to mend my bridges. It is burdening you with guilt and the illusion of fire when you lack what they call the humility to forgive. It is trying to unstabilize you with the wrath of your offender, and the fear that they will never bridge the gap unless you apologize.

Wrong. Only God can cause me to fear. Only God can cause me to break...

As for forgiveness, it becomes harder to dispense as the wound still refuses to heal.

But don't misinterpret. It is not an achievement to be able to carry such burden of pain. Especially if the cause is not to save mankind... It is simply a sign of FAILURE despite the readiness to love and kill. It is a reminder of stupidity for ever trusting yourself to believe. To believe that there is a love worth fearing for, is a love worth holding on to.

Is there such earthly love that will cause me to fear? My heart has lost all hope for love. Yet, it longs to find its greatest fear---

the One Great Love that will either put me to rest or get me confirmed...

that LOVE does not always have to be FEARED.